Category Archives: Humor

Worship Music Typos

I saw this post today over here, and I couldn’t resist letting you in on it. Those of you who are or have been involved in the worship music area of a church will love these!

Top 16 Worship Music Typos

1. “Lord, You are more precious than silver . . . Lord, You are more costly than golf.”

2. Easter. The line was supposed to read “We were naked and poor” but instead it read “We were naked and poop.” Quite possibly the best typo of all time. I could not stop laughing for the rest of the song. It was epic.

3. ‘Defender of the week’ like Jesus is getting an award for being great at sport.

4. When we lived in Latin America: the line in the song was supposed to be “levantando manos santas” (lifting holy hands) but they wrote “monos” (monkeys) instead of “manos” and put that on the screen. Lifting holy monkeys. Um hmm. People standing around us thought the shekinah glory had come over us.

5. “Our God is greeter, our God is stronger.” I like that image. God greeting us as we walk into church. He’s like the little old lady who shakes our hands, only…He is God and God gives high fives! I assumed they left out the “a” and forgot to embrace the contraction, so I sing: “Our God’s a greeter.”

6. I made the power points for our colleges ministry and had a slide that, instead of saying Jesus my closest friend, said Jesus my closet friend. Don’t know how many people’s experience I ruined.

7. When I saw “Oh Lord Your Beautiful”, I wanted to stab my eyes. But I chose to say nothing. It was years ago. The fact that I still remember it means something.

8. I’ve noticed that, when we are singing “How He Loves,” the phrase “sloppy wet” gets misspelled to “unforeseen.” Not even close! C’mon, media team!

9. Lion of God turned into “Loin of God.” Fail. My bad.

10. I create the lyric sheets for our small fellowship, and one Sunday the “strumpets” were calling during Days of Elijah. Oops.

11. The slide said “four our sins He died.” Someone behind me asked if we’re on our own for the fifth sin.

12. The best one I have seen was: Amazon love, how can it be?

13. I’m personally a fan of “Angles We Have Heard on High” at Christmastime. I always assume they are right angles.

14. I once attended a performance of Handel’s “Messiah” where the phrase “surely He has borne our griefs” was printed as “surely He has borne our briefs” in the programs given to the audience. I laughed for a while.

15. My favorite? It was in the song “The Great I Am.” “Holy, Holy, Guacamole…”

16. My favorite is not a song lyric–it’s a typo in the Lord’s Prayer: “forgive us our debits as we forgive our debitors…” Not exactly the same meaning.

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The Trail Mix

Trail Mix

I like to have something to munch on when I write, so I got ambitious and made my own trail mix. I thought it would be cheaper than buying the ready-made stuff at Trader Joe’s, but it isn’t, so I might as well save myself the effort from now on. Lesson learned.

But this bag of trail mix got me thinking. It’s kind of like the church. Really. Take a look at the individual ingredients.

Peanuts: the average, regular ones who always come out, get involved in everything, work hard, and mind their own business.

Cashews: a little bit uppity, selective in where they appear, sometimes hard to locate.

Chocolate chips: the life of the party, you always know when they’re around, but they can be prone to meltdowns when things get hot.

Sunflower seeds: usually good for you, but can be so irritating when they’re stuck in the wrong place.

Raisins: so sweet and encouraging – they build you up.

Almonds: they like to be toasted and coaxed along, made to feel like they’re really wanted.

White chocolate chips: these are the ones who say one thing and do something else – they act like chocolate, but they’re not.

Craisins: they sometimes pretend to be raisins, but their sour nature comes through eventually.

Peanut butter chips: the comfortable ones who sincerely just want to be your friend.

When you put all of these ingredients into a bag and shake them up, the result is a very tasty treat. The flavors and textures compliment each other.

Just like the church.

We’re individuals. We all have different characteristics and talents and gifts. But when we come together as one church body, the power of God through Jesus Christ shakes us together and creates a family that can do mighty things for His kingdom.

Delicious!

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Christianese is Actually a Word

The urban dictionary defines Christianese as a “communicable language within the Christian subculture with words and phrases created, redefined, and/or patented that applies only to the Christian sphere of influence”.

Using these terms may have significance inside the church, but some need to be filtered in the real world so we can speak common English outside the church. Not only will we have a much more enjoyable experience but we will actually make sense to those we talk to.

As a public service, here are some other common phrases used in the church, along with their English-language equivalents:

I’ll pray about it. Translation: typically means you will NOT pray about it, or it’s a way to say “no!” without actually saying “no”.

Quiet time. Translation: an adult version of a time-out, but with Jesus.

Hallelujah. Amen! Translation: Huh. What!

Let go and let God. Translation: give up trying and let God take over. First time hearers will usually give you these responses: Let who what? What are you talking about?

If it be God’s will. Translation: I really don’t think God is going to answer this one.

Invite Jesus into you heart. Translation: someone who is witnessing (usually in their ‘witness-wear’) will come up to a non-Christian and inquire if they have asked Jesus into their heart.  While I admire the effort to get people into the Kingdom of God, this phrase is likely to confuse the audience as well as make them think that you’re inept with biology or just one of those strange home-schooled kids who never learned real English.

Bless your heart. Translation: you’re stupid / wrong / confused / unintelligent. Here is the deal with this southern belle phrase; its the most passive aggressive terminology ever invented. When this is used we are invoking the blessings of God’s name on someone while subliminally indicating that they confused and need to be educated.

Feeling led to…. Translation: either you did or didn’t feel like it. Plain and simple, this phrase is the cop out for not doing something. It’s the secondary form of “God told me.” In this maneuver one must speak of doing something serious in which may have repercussion. Thus, in order to defer consequences we have to blame God. “It wasn’t me, I just didn’t feel God leading me.” Can be translated into any of the following: a) I was too tired, b) I didn’t want to, c) I’d rather go party this weekend, d) I don’t actually have any other commitment, or e) I was hoping someone else would do it for me.

Let’s have a word of prayer. Translation: I am going to pray for a long, long, long time.

That’s not my spiritual giftTranslation: Find someone else.

Fellowship. Translation: Organized gluttony.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Translation: I’m totally clueless.

Lord willing . . . Translation: You may think I’ll be there, but I won’t.

God led me to do something else. Translation: I slept in instead of going to church.

God really helped me with this test. Translation: I didn’t study but I guessed good, so I’m giving God credit in the hope that He helps me again.

She has such a sweet spirit! Translation: What an airhead!

I have a ‘check’ in my spirit about him. Translation: I can’t stand that jerk!

Prayer concerns. Translation: gossip.

In conclusion . . . Translation: I’ll be done in another hour or so.

Let us pray. Translation: I’m going to pretend to talk to God now, but I’m really preaching at you.

You just have to put it in God’s hands. Translation: Don’t expect me to help you.

Of course, I am totally making light of the way Christians talk, and I include myself in the group. I’ve probably used every single one of this phrases at one time or another. But the point I want to make is that in our attempts to separate ourselves from the world, we have developed our own little language that serves only to alienate us from the very souls that need us.

Make your words count.

In a good way.

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In the Writing Chair

I’m in the writing chair. Word document screen is open and cursor is blinking. Keyboard is waiting for my fingers to begin dancing. But the brain is racing in another direction. Several, in fact. Here’s where my mind has been in the last five minutes:

1. I had a dream last night about losing my little white canvas shoes. I was carrying a backpack and was obviously going somewhere, but every time I tried to leave, those shoes were gone. And I don’t even own a pair of shoes like that.

2. My grandson, Elijah, thinks cashew nuts are bananas.

3. I’m looking for a recipe to make something yummy with last night’s leftover mashed potatoes.

4. Called my optometrist’s office to find out when the January appointment they postponed will be rescheduled. Apparently, they are still trying to fit in patients who had appointments months before mine. Good thing it’s just a routine checkup and not an emergency.

5. There is an interesting dust pattern on the desk behind my monitor. Who dusts behind their monitor?

6. Maybe I should fold the laundry and clean up my office.

These completely unrelated thoughts are indicative of the normal functioning of my brain. My cousin Cristal posted a cute little picture on Facebook this morning with the caption, “If you ever want to know what a woman’s mind feels like, imagine a browser with 2,857 tabs open. All. The. Time.” Yup, that about says it.

Distractions. That’s what they are. Distractions that I’ve allowed to keep me from, at this very moment, bashing out the world’s next literary masterpiece. Sigh.

I’m in the writing chair.

And I’m going to write.

Period.

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Things Not to Say at the Dinner Table

We have a big family and we have a lot of family dinners at our house. The mealtime conversations can go from one extreme to the other and everything in between.

I’ve heard that sometimes, however, in the middle of eating dinner with a mouthful of pasta, all of a sudden someone says something so horrific/embarrassing/depressing/uncensored that you’d rather crawl under the table than sit upright in your seat. Of course, that never happens with us. Right? (insert raised eyebrows)

Family dinners should be about family bonding and catching up with light, funny banter. Key words: should be.

I read these rules a while ago and thought I’d pass them along. Learn these and never forget — no matter who you’re sharing a meal with, because there are certain topics you just need to avoid when eating. While I’m pretty sure that all of you know know the general rules of thumb when it comes to table manners (don’t chew with your mouth open, no elbows on the table, etc.) you should be very aware of where conversations can lead if you open up the floor for discussion.

So without further ado, let’s talk — or not talk — about the things you shouldn’t say at any dinner table.

  1. When are you two getting engaged?: If you’ve known the couple long enough, you know enough about the status and/or length of their relationship to know that a proposal is either on the horizon or it’s not. Also, it’s most likely a discussion they’ve already had and don’t need to be reminded of. If they have something to share, they will.
  2. What exactly is this?: No, no, NO. Even if you have a genuine curiosity, just wait for the host or hostess to explain what’s for dinner because nine times out of ten, your question will sound rude.
  3. I can’t do this anymore: Whatever it is — live at home, date your girlfriend, talk to your parents — have this conversation after dinner and somewhere in private. It’s just going to create a super awkward atmosphere for everyone else otherwise.
  4. Man, this ____ is going to go right through me: This should be a given. No one wants to hear about your bathroom woes. Ever.
  5. Heard you got a raise — that’s awesome. How much?: Never, ever ask someone about their money. A big, fat NO. If they want to share, they will.
  6. Haven’t you had enough? / Someone’s hungry: If they want another serving of mashed potatoes or pasta, who cares? Let it be.
  7. Can I take your plate? If they have a fork or spoon still in their mouth, chances are they aren’t finished eating. So let them throw their napkin on the dish and set their utensils down before asking them this question. And while we’re at it, it’s also rude to get up from the table when other people are still eating, so sit down!
  8. That looks . . . interesting: Even if you really mean it, use the word “good” instead, otherwise your chef for the evening will assume you mean it looks unappetizing.
  9. Oh my gosh, did you hear about that gross _____?: Thanks for ruining everyone’s appetite, jerk.
  10. Your father/mother and I are getting a divorce: Who wants to eat after hearing that? No one.
  11. I’m on a diet. / I’m not hungry: Sure you are. And please tell us how what we’re eating is horrible for our bodies while you’re at it.
  12. This is great, but it would be better with _____: Do you want to cook? No? Then shut up.
  13. Who are you voting for? This is an easy one and will never end well, so just avoid it and say “How about them Yankees?”
  14. Whispering: Everyone else at the table is going to assume you’re talking about them. Like the saying goes, “secrets, secrets are no fun, unless they are for everyone.” Boom.
  15. Nothing at all: Silence speaks volumes, and even worse are facial expressions. No raised eyebrows or scrunched faces ever.

Great guidelines to make those dinners a success.

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The World of Spam

My mom used to put Spam sandwiches in our school lunch boxes. I actually didn’t mind it. Sliced up on fresh bread with a little mustard and mayo and lettuce – yum – pretty tasty. And, no, I don’t come from Hawaii where, for some odd reason, Spam is an island favorite. My Spam days eventually came to an end and I really didn’t give the stuff much though after that.

Until now.

Just to put your mind at ease, I have not started serving up Spam again. Nope. Ain’t gonna happen.

I’m talking about electronic spam. The kind that fills up my inbox every single day despite the most powerful real time anti-spam software money can buy. Well, maybe not the most powerful, but it’s pretty good. I’ve managed to filter most of the nasty stuff into my Outlook junk mailbox, however, the smartphone guys haven’t found a way to stop it from showing up on mobile devices. No amount of mustard and mayo makes that acceptable.

You know that tiny print way down at the bottom of those spam emails that says Unsubscribe? Unless the email came from a trusted source, DO NOT click on that word. Seriously. If you do, it’s like you’ve just dished out your email address to a million spammers who will gladly started sending you their offers to thicken your hair or sell you viagra. Or worse.

The invasion of privacy, so to speak, spills over to your telephone. I’m not sure if telemarketers can actually be classified as spammers, but for the sake of this blog post I will include them. We are considering cancelling our home phone because of the number of daily calls we receive from toll free and unknown numbers. The telemarketing business is getting smarter, though, because we’ve noticed that many of these calls are now showing up with local area codes. Pretty tricksy, trying to make us think the call is coming from someone we might know. We have a rule. If we don’t recognize the number, we don’t answer the phone. So it rings. A lot. And have you noticed that they never leave a message?

I don’t know what the solution is to all of this.

I just had to vent.

Go try a Spam sandwich.

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What’s in a Name?

There is a lot of name calling in my family. The good kind. But if  you don’t pay attention, you could easily become confused.

For instance, I am a grandmother. One set of grandkids call me Grandma. Another set call me Namma. And the third set call me Mama. Then there is my dear husband who is known as Grandpa or Papa, depending on which kid is calling him. Try keeping all of that straight when you are signing birthday cards.

I guess it runs in the family because I called my Mom’s parents Mother and Gramps. Don’t ask. My Dad’s parents were the traditional Grandma and Grandpa. But our own kids called my parents Mama and Papa.

Are you confused yet?

Then there are the nicknames. Our oldest daughter’s name is Julie, but she has been Auntie Jewy, Dewy, or Dulie to various nieces and nephews. Our son Michael gets shortened to UncaMike, all one word. Don’t call him Mikey or he may beat you up. Our daughter Jordan tried to teach the kids to call her Auntie Jordie, but they couldn’t say it, so it became Auntie Dodie (or Didi, for one in particular). Now everyone in the family refers to her as Dodie. Or The Dode. I stress the word family where this name is concerned. Our youngest daughter, Kelsey, thought up her own nickname at the age of two when she couldn’t pronounce her own name. She has been known as Tessie ever since. Incidentally, the name Tess actually means “fourth child”. Who knew?

Some of the grandchildren got nicknamed too. Emily became Emmy Lou, Caleb became Caleb-Doodle, Reece became Reecie-Peecie, Nikolas became Nikky-Noodle, and Jairus became Jai-Jai. Joshua and Elijah will be thankful one day that their names didn’t become distorted.

I suppose every family has their quirks and I’ve just shared one of ours.

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