Category Archives: Humor

March 24, 2014 · 10:57 AM

Ladybugs and Rewrites

Ladybug

I had company earlier today. This little lady and a few of her friends have managed to find their way into our house as they seem to do every spring. I thought she displayed an amazing degree of bravery, though, marching across my notebook the way she did. Don’t worry, she did not meet her demise. I escaped her, as my four-year-old grandson would say.

Unfortunately, this was yet another diversion to keep me from the dreaded rewrites. Am I allowed to say that I am so tired of this story that I want to remove all references to the thing from my desk, my hard drive, and everywhere else?

I read this quote from Ernest Hemingway:

I read my books sometimes to cheer me up when it’s hard to write and then I remember that it was always difficult and how nearly impossible it was sometimes.

While I’ve never been a Hemingway fan, his words are so true. Today feels like one of those nearly impossible days. I wonder what it is that makes me think I can actually write something that people will want to read. Am I kidding myself? Are my dreams too big?

I know what the acceptable answer is. I’m just not feelin’ it.

So, from the desk of a very honest and discouraged writer who is avoiding the work of rewrites on a story she doesn’t want to look at anymore, it is what it is. I know this will pass. It always does. I know the exhilaration of a really good writing day will come again. I am confident that whatever creativity lurks in the recesses of my muddled brain will make its way to the surface eventually. I will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Right?

RIGHT . . . ?

I’m going to go outside and re-pot my ferns now.

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March 7, 2014 · 11:44 AM

The Writing Course

I am on the tale end of a week-long online writing course, for which I paid good money and had high expectations.

I’ll cut to the chase.

It’s been a huge disappointment. Well, maybe not huge, but definitely sort of.

Each day, we were asked to submit an excerpt of our work-in-progress (WIP), rewritten to follow the instructions as outlined by the moderator. These were posted on a forum which was open for comments from our classmates and from the course moderator (who happens to be one of my favorite editors).

While I greatly value the constructive feedback from the moderator and most of my peers, there are always some in the crowd who wreck it for me. And for everyone else. In this case, there is one that stands out.

Let’s call her “Miss Massacre”.

I truly believe that this woman couldn’t crank out a compliment if her life depended on it. She’s trashed every single person’s work, on every single day of this course. And the kicker here is that her own work really isn’t very good. Oh, believe me, there are things I could say about that. But I have refrained from stooping to her level and I just don’t post anything at all where her stuff is concerned.

Why do people do this?

Maybe her boyfriend just broke up with her. Maybe she has a splinter in her – um – foot. Maybe she lost her job. Maybe she’s just like this all the time. Who knows? Unfortunately, Miss Massacre made the whole online course experience very unpleasant.

So what now? I take the constructive stuff and rework my own writing to make it better. I thank God for a great connection with a fellow writer from the land of Far-Far-Away. I forget about Miss Massacre’s massacre and move on.

Thanks for reading. Come again.

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January 23, 2014 · 11:38 AM

The Library

The library has changed.

Oh, there are still lots of books and frumpy librarians, but it’s not the same. Gone are the reverent whispers of book-lovers. Gone are the muffled sounds of volumes being shelved. Gone is the quiet.

Rustling papers and turning pages have been replaced by the tapping of computer keyboards. Sacred silence between the stacks has been replaced by cell phones ringing and loud conversations. Children’s story time has disappeared and a library visit is now an opportunity for kids to run and shriek while their parents shout at them from across the room.

I came to the library to write. Should be a good place to concentrate, you’d think. Perhaps it is. When it’s closed.

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January 14, 2014 · 2:08 PM

My New List of Favorite Things

Don’t you find that your list of favorite things changes as you chug along in your life? I do. So, on a completely random note, I will dedicate this, my 555th blog post, to my new list. Here it is, in no particular order.

1. Baby girls. Well one three-month-old named Adelaide.

2. Moleskine notebooks. This has made the list for years.

3. Acrylic artist paints. Oh, the possibilities.

4. Hamilton Beach BrewMaster. Makes a pot of coffee on one side and takes a K-cup on the other.

5. Downton Abbey Season 4. Except for Edna.

6. Monday night prayer meetings at the church.

7. Cooper’s grocery store in Chilliwack.

8. Samsung S4 Mini smart phone. But I still miss the Blackberry keyboard.

9. J.J. Abrams. Some of you will get it.

10. Scentsy.

11. Tupperware.

12. Bath & Body Works. All of it.

13. Wednesday morning bible studies with my friends.

14. Grandchildren. Lots of them.

15. Ice cream. Always on the list.

16. The view from my living room window.

17. God’s words.

18. Cheez Whiz. Even though there are those who claim it is not real food.

19. Crossword puzzles. The hard ones. Sometimes.

20. The ice maker/dispenser in my fridge. Best invention EVER!

Well, folks, that’s it for today. What’s on your list?

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October 21, 2013 · 9:45 AM

The Toddler Rules

Being the grandmother of eight – several of whom are toddlers – I regularly receive the play-by-plays of their escapades. I can sympathize with their parents. Sort of. I just can’t help but smile and think to myself, “Haha! It’s payback time!”

This article in today’s Huffington Post is for all the moms and dads with toddlers.

The Toddler Code of Conduct: 20 Rules Toddlers Live By

By: April McCormick
After observing my toddler, and talking with other parents of toddlers, I am convinced that toddlers have the following Code of Conduct hardwired into their DNA.

1. You are the family alarm clock. It is your job to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn every day.

2. ALWAYS crap your pants AFTER leaving the house. Your best bet is to clench those cheeks together until you have left your street, and then EXPLODE!!! To achieve Legend status, do this when your parent is in a huge hurry to get somewhere very important.

3. Do not be content doing anything for more than two minutes. You have to constantly keep moving. NEVER SLOW DOWN!

4. If you are not interested in being picked up, get as low to the ground as possible. Think dead weight. Feel free to flail and cry for added difficulty.

5. If someone tries to take something from you, teach them a lesson by first throwing it, then jumping up and down while making your best “oh you are going to be REALLY sorry,” face, then falling to the floor and starting to spaz out, screaming and crying extra loud if you are in public.

6. If you do not like the food that is served to you, throw it on the ground in disgust, then at your parent, then at the cat/dog. For extra credit smash the remaining food into your hair and clothes. When you are given something to drink immediately dump it in your lap.

7. Whenever possible terrorize the family pets so they know who is in charge.

8. NEVER EVER let your parent get the house clean. EVER! Once something is picked up off the floor, put something in its place. A good rule of thumb is dumping out the cat/dog food daily. Feel free to snack on it as well.

9. You are in control of your sleep schedule. If you do not want to go to sleep, then don’t, and if someone really wants you to go to sleep, then definitely do not do it. Do your best to get so tired that you become an evil miserable crying mess. That will show them!

10. Always do your best to be in the way, including but not limited to: playing at your parents’ feet while they are cooking, cleaning, fixing something, talking on the phone, getting ready for work, or doing anything that looks remotely important.

11. Take ALL of your toys out of the toy box before playing with any of them. This goes for books, too — rip all of them off the shelf before reading one. Your job is to make a huge mess. Hint: To keep things interesting, never ever play with the same toy or book for more than one minute.

12. Under no circumstance will you make diaper changes or potty training an easy venture. If poop does not get everywhere then you have failed.

13. Every time you leave the park throw a fit big enough to make it look like you are being kidnapped. If you are lucky, this will buy you five more minutes on the slide.

14. The minute you learn to walk, refuse to be held. Insist on walking EVERYWHERE!

15. The minute you learn to talk, DO NOT STOP! Do not be discouraged if you are not understood — talk away anyway. It is not your fault if people are too stupid to understand you.

16. EVERYTHING in this world belongs to you. Feel free to touch it, take it, hide it, throw it, smash it, break it and completely ruin it. HINT: ALL of the telephones in the house belong to you — store them in the toilet.

17. Your mantra is, “Catch me if you can you silly fool.”

18. “No!” means, Good job! Keep doing that!

19. NEVER EVER do anything the first time you are asked.

20. And last — the most important code of toddler conduct — for every five minutes you spend terrorizing your parent(s), sibling(s) and/or pet(s), provide one minute of pure sweet lovin’ to ensure complete forgiveness.

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August 29, 2013 · 7:44 AM

The Introverted Extrovert

I frequently find myself in the middle of the introvert vs. extrovert debate. For some odd reason, it seems to be of the utmost importance for people to be able to slot themselves into one or the other of these labels. Personally, I don’t care. I’m an extrovert and that’s that. End of discussion.

Or is it?

I read an article from the Huffington Post that pinpoints 23 signs that you’re secretly an introvert. Then I got thinking. Perhaps I’m not the extrovert I thought I was. Maybe I am an introvert in disguise. Check this out:

Not sure if you’re an innie or an outie? See if any of these 23 telltale signs of introversion apply to you.

1. You find small talk incredibly cumbersome.

I have to give myself a point for this one because I despise small talk. I put up with it for so many years in the corporate world and there is nothing more annoying, boring, and phony than small talk. Cut the fluff and get to the point.

2. You go to parties – but not to meet people.

The older I get, the less I enjoy social gatherings for the purpose of meeting people. I go when I have to, but I would much rather spend time one on one with a good friend or family member.

3. You often feel alone in a crowd.

Boy, oh boy, this is so true for me – feeling like an outsider in the middle of social gatherings or group activities, even with people I know.

4. Networking makes you feel like a phony.

Yup, absolutely.

5. You’ve been called “too intense.”

I’ve had people tell me that to my face on more than one occasion. Since I find small talk cumbersome (#1 above), I prefer to get to the heart of the matter very quickly.

6. You’re easily distracted.

I do have the classic extrovert tendency to get bored easily when I don’t have enough to do, but I also have the opposite problem of becoming easily distracted and overwhelmed in environments with an excess of stimulation. And then I can’t sleep at night.

7. Downtime doesn’t feel unproductive to you.

I definitely need my time alone. Give me a good book and a diet Coke and I’m good for the day.

8. Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I enjoy speaking to large groups of people, and I’ve done lots of it over the course of the past 30 years. But the post-talk mingling? Nope, not my thing at all.

9. When you get on the subway, you sit at the end of the bench – not in the middle.

That would be me.

10. You start to shut down after you’ve been active for too long.

Also me. I just zone out.

11. You’re in a relationship with an extrovert.

Yes, very true. My husband loves to be with people. Loves small talk.

12. You’d rather be an expert at one thing than try to do everything.

Well, no, I’d have to say this is not true for me. I love to try almost everything.

13. You actively avoid any shows that might involve audience participation.

Absolutely true.

14. You screen all your calls – even from friends.

I admit it. I do this quite often.

15. You notice details that others don’t.

I definitely do notice details. And I remember them.

16. You have a constantly running inner monologue.

Yes and no. I don’t really know what that means.

17. You have low blood pressure.

No.

18. You’ve been called an “old soul” – since your 20s.

No for this one, too.

19. You don’t feel “high” from your surroundings

I’ve changed, I think. I used to like nothing better than huge parties and gatherings. They don’t interest me anymore.

20. You look at the big picture.

I am definitely a big picture person.

21. You’ve been told to “come out of your shell.”

No, never.

22. You’re a writer.

I’ve always been able to communicate better in writing.

23. You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity.

Yes, that would be me.

Am I an introvert because I scored 18 out of 23 on this little quiz? No, I don’t think so. And most people who know me well would probably agree. But I’ve recognized that I do have significant introvert-ish tendencies, and I am satisfied with being an introverted extrovert.

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July 10, 2013 · 7:34 AM

How to Start a Conversation

We’ve all experienced that awkward silence when no one knows exactly what to say. So, to help you out in these predicaments, I found a few useless facts ideas to get you going.

  • Coca-Cola was originally green. (You had to know I’d throw a Coke fact in here.)
  • The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
  • Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
  • City with the most Rolls Royce’s per capita:  Hong Kong
  • Percentage of Africa that is wilderness:  28%
  • Barbie’s measurements if she were life size:  39-23-33
  • Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again:  80%
  • Percentage of American women who say they’d marry the same man:  50%
  • Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
  • Average number of people airborne over North America any given hour: 61,000.
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
  • Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
  • First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
  • A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
  • The only 15 letter English word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
  • Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ candies?
  • 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
  • Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down – hence the expression “to get fired.”
  • “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
  • Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
  • The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
  • An ostrich’s eye is bigger that it’s brain.
  • The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
  • Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
  • If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
  • The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver”.
  • Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
  • J.M. Barrie made up the name Wendy for his book “Peter Pan”.

Now wasn’t that fun?

Let me know how those conversations go . . .

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June 18, 2013 · 9:57 AM

Worship Music Typos

I saw this post today over here, and I couldn’t resist letting you in on it. Those of you who are or have been involved in the worship music area of a church will love these!

Top 16 Worship Music Typos

1. “Lord, You are more precious than silver . . . Lord, You are more costly than golf.”

2. Easter. The line was supposed to read “We were naked and poor” but instead it read “We were naked and poop.” Quite possibly the best typo of all time. I could not stop laughing for the rest of the song. It was epic.

3. ‘Defender of the week’ like Jesus is getting an award for being great at sport.

4. When we lived in Latin America: the line in the song was supposed to be “levantando manos santas” (lifting holy hands) but they wrote “monos” (monkeys) instead of “manos” and put that on the screen. Lifting holy monkeys. Um hmm. People standing around us thought the shekinah glory had come over us.

5. “Our God is greeter, our God is stronger.” I like that image. God greeting us as we walk into church. He’s like the little old lady who shakes our hands, only…He is God and God gives high fives! I assumed they left out the “a” and forgot to embrace the contraction, so I sing: “Our God’s a greeter.”

6. I made the power points for our colleges ministry and had a slide that, instead of saying Jesus my closest friend, said Jesus my closet friend. Don’t know how many people’s experience I ruined.

7. When I saw “Oh Lord Your Beautiful”, I wanted to stab my eyes. But I chose to say nothing. It was years ago. The fact that I still remember it means something.

8. I’ve noticed that, when we are singing “How He Loves,” the phrase “sloppy wet” gets misspelled to “unforeseen.” Not even close! C’mon, media team!

9. Lion of God turned into “Loin of God.” Fail. My bad.

10. I create the lyric sheets for our small fellowship, and one Sunday the “strumpets” were calling during Days of Elijah. Oops.

11. The slide said “four our sins He died.” Someone behind me asked if we’re on our own for the fifth sin.

12. The best one I have seen was: Amazon love, how can it be?

13. I’m personally a fan of “Angles We Have Heard on High” at Christmastime. I always assume they are right angles.

14. I once attended a performance of Handel’s “Messiah” where the phrase “surely He has borne our griefs” was printed as “surely He has borne our briefs” in the programs given to the audience. I laughed for a while.

15. My favorite? It was in the song “The Great I Am.” “Holy, Holy, Guacamole…”

16. My favorite is not a song lyric–it’s a typo in the Lord’s Prayer: “forgive us our debits as we forgive our debitors…” Not exactly the same meaning.

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April 30, 2013 · 9:50 AM

The Trail Mix

Trail Mix

I like to have something to munch on when I write, so I got ambitious and made my own trail mix. I thought it would be cheaper than buying the ready-made stuff at Trader Joe’s, but it isn’t, so I might as well save myself the effort from now on. Lesson learned.

But this bag of trail mix got me thinking. It’s kind of like the church. Really. Take a look at the individual ingredients.

Peanuts: the average, regular ones who always come out, get involved in everything, work hard, and mind their own business.

Cashews: a little bit uppity, selective in where they appear, sometimes hard to locate.

Chocolate chips: the life of the party, you always know when they’re around, but they can be prone to meltdowns when things get hot.

Sunflower seeds: usually good for you, but can be so irritating when they’re stuck in the wrong place.

Raisins: so sweet and encouraging – they build you up.

Almonds: they like to be toasted and coaxed along, made to feel like they’re really wanted.

White chocolate chips: these are the ones who say one thing and do something else – they act like chocolate, but they’re not.

Craisins: they sometimes pretend to be raisins, but their sour nature comes through eventually.

Peanut butter chips: the comfortable ones who sincerely just want to be your friend.

When you put all of these ingredients into a bag and shake them up, the result is a very tasty treat. The flavors and textures compliment each other.

Just like the church.

We’re individuals. We all have different characteristics and talents and gifts. But when we come together as one church body, the power of God through Jesus Christ shakes us together and creates a family that can do mighty things for His kingdom.

Delicious!

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April 10, 2013 · 10:59 AM

Christianese is Actually a Word

The urban dictionary defines Christianese as a “communicable language within the Christian subculture with words and phrases created, redefined, and/or patented that applies only to the Christian sphere of influence”.

Using these terms may have significance inside the church, but some need to be filtered in the real world so we can speak common English outside the church. Not only will we have a much more enjoyable experience but we will actually make sense to those we talk to.

As a public service, here are some other common phrases used in the church, along with their English-language equivalents:

I’ll pray about it. Translation: typically means you will NOT pray about it, or it’s a way to say “no!” without actually saying “no”.

Quiet time. Translation: an adult version of a time-out, but with Jesus.

Hallelujah. Amen! Translation: Huh. What!

Let go and let God. Translation: give up trying and let God take over. First time hearers will usually give you these responses: Let who what? What are you talking about?

If it be God’s will. Translation: I really don’t think God is going to answer this one.

Invite Jesus into you heart. Translation: someone who is witnessing (usually in their ‘witness-wear’) will come up to a non-Christian and inquire if they have asked Jesus into their heart.  While I admire the effort to get people into the Kingdom of God, this phrase is likely to confuse the audience as well as make them think that you’re inept with biology or just one of those strange home-schooled kids who never learned real English.

Bless your heart. Translation: you’re stupid / wrong / confused / unintelligent. Here is the deal with this southern belle phrase; its the most passive aggressive terminology ever invented. When this is used we are invoking the blessings of God’s name on someone while subliminally indicating that they confused and need to be educated.

Feeling led to…. Translation: either you did or didn’t feel like it. Plain and simple, this phrase is the cop out for not doing something. It’s the secondary form of “God told me.” In this maneuver one must speak of doing something serious in which may have repercussion. Thus, in order to defer consequences we have to blame God. “It wasn’t me, I just didn’t feel God leading me.” Can be translated into any of the following: a) I was too tired, b) I didn’t want to, c) I’d rather go party this weekend, d) I don’t actually have any other commitment, or e) I was hoping someone else would do it for me.

Let’s have a word of prayer. Translation: I am going to pray for a long, long, long time.

That’s not my spiritual gift. Translation: Find someone else.

Fellowship. Translation: Organized gluttony.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Translation: I’m totally clueless.

Lord willing . . . Translation: You may think I’ll be there, but I won’t.

God led me to do something else. Translation: I slept in instead of going to church.

God really helped me with this test. Translation: I didn’t study but I guessed good, so I’m giving God credit in the hope that He helps me again.

She has such a sweet spirit! Translation: What an airhead!

I have a ‘check’ in my spirit about him. Translation: I can’t stand that jerk!

Prayer concerns. Translation: gossip.

In conclusion . . . Translation: I’ll be done in another hour or so.

Let us pray. Translation: I’m going to pretend to talk to God now, but I’m really preaching at you.

You just have to put it in God’s hands. Translation: Don’t expect me to help you.

Of course, I am totally making light of the way Christians talk, and I include myself in the group. I’ve probably used every single one of this phrases at one time or another. But the point I want to make is that in our attempts to separate ourselves from the world, we have developed our own little language that serves only to alienate us from the very souls that need us.

Make your words count.

In a good way.

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